He never much liked all these people.
To make things even less enjoyable, he was essentially alone amongst them. Yes,
he’d once gone to school with all these people and maybe, in conversation,
referred to a few as his friends, but he never truly liked them too much. At
least he didn’t bear the weight of pining for a woman. A girlfriend.
“Ex-girlfriend.”, He remembered. “At least she had the common courtesy to break
up with me before she died.”
Donnie found himself dwelling on her
last words to him shortly before he watched life leave her. “I can’t stay with
you like this. I don’t want to be a burden to you, and I don’t want you to be a
burden to me.” she told him. He tried to tell her not to be stupid and that
they could survive together, but she didn’t listen. She left him to find
someone new in a group of strangers. Then he remembered watching silent tears
fill her eyes and her choked mouth fill with blood.
So he was stuck. Now he was alone in
his paltry group of survivors. Scraps more like. Lilah was his favorite. She
was sultry looking, but quiet. He liked Jules too. Jules had a knack for
cynicism and a certain bluntness that made him either thoroughly entertaining
or miserably annoying. Unfortunately, Jules lacked tact and acute intelligence.
He often talked in sweeping rhetoric, never backed by detail.
Matt spoke up, snapping Donnie out of his thoughts,
“We ought to stop for the night. We need to eat and sleep.” He always rubbed Donnie
the wrong way. Every word of his was coated in a fine, nasally slime. His
breath smelled oddly of garlic salt, despite the distinct lack of spices the
group endured. Something in his voice seemed false, and this fakeness somehow
survived through all the hell they’ve been through. Donnie remembered him from
a class they shared. Matt loved speaking up, even if there was nothing to say.
“Don’t tell me what to do.” Donnie
sneered back as he set his bag on the dusty ground and pulled his
blanket-turned-bedroll free from the clutches of the pack. Matt puckered his
long face as if eating a sour candy (another thing sorely missing) and crinkled
his nose at the remark. Donnie made sure to teach Matt his place on the group’s
first day of walking. When Matt approached Donnie with a bizarre offer of
mutual dictatorship over their somewhat large group (now whittled down to a
group of nine). Donnie flashed his teeth (and perhaps a knife he had picked up
off some tactical looking corpse) and made his warning of silence to Matt
clear. Regardless, Matt still liked to act like he was in charge, when in
reality it was Lou who held all the power. This was not because Lou was
stronger, faster, or braver. He had the only gun in the group. Donnie had one,
for a time, picked up along with his knife, which had long ago jammed and been
thrown away in panic. Jules had one once as well, but it was lost when the
group had found a stash of liquor in a ruined supermarket. Well, it
was actually Marie who lost it, clumsily tossing it into a pool of grey water that was deeper
than it looked after Jules had been drunkenly waving the thing around. Jules
was awfully bitter about the loss of his little toy, but Marie is dead now, and
Donnie figured that was some kind of twisted consolation. If Lou chose to speak
up and issue a command, it would be wise to do as he said. He was arguably the
smartest of all of them. He was supposed to be some kind of government employed
engineer when he graduated. He got recruited by an exceptionally prestigious
(read as ‘rich’) science lab place when he was still a sophomore at the university.
Lou could be scary if he wanted, but he was decent most of the time.
Donnie set up his bedroll furthest
from Lou, who was using his glasses and the last peering light of the day to start a
fire. Donnie set up closer to Lilah’s bedroll then anyone else’s. He felt it
was quieter near her. The others shifted restlessly or snored in their sleep,
but she didn’t make a single sound. The quiet of it gave him an illusion of
peace. He never saw her notice him, and never did she steal even a glance at
him. “If she did, I would notice.” he thought, “I notice.” Though even he
questioned why he still cared in a time and place like this. Perhaps it gave him
something to do. He sat on his blanket-stuffed roll and observed the others.
Lou was poking at the fire, Jules and Tom were setting up next to each other,
as were Goldy and Frank, Matt was wasting his time trying to help with the
fire, but getting no feedback from Lou, and the miraculous twins, Arya and Ryia
were already bundled up on the ground, chatting noisily about absolutely
nothing. Donnie noticed Lilah meandering about, looking at the shifting maroon
clouds in the sky darken as night fell, and allowed his thoughts to drift back
to her. That gallant way she walked and her thick black hair. He wanted her to
gaze at him, and show him her face, but she never would look at him. He had to
content himself with her slowly darkening silhouette against the setting sun.
They were all taking shelter under
the canopy what had once been a gas station, “At least there’s a roof tonight.
And at least the stink of gasoline outweighs the stink of rotting shit.” Donnie
thought as he growled in his throat and spit into the darkness to his left.
When Lou had finished his fire, he
summoned the attention of the group by banging the butt of his rifle against a
steel pan that he carried in his bag. The ringing sounded flat and dead, which
seemed fitting. “Eat up, everyone. We’ll get up at first light and see what we
can find in the station. Goodnight.” he announced. He had always been concise,
Donnie thought, as he peeled the top off a cold can of ravioli he’d been
saving. Though before, he’d never been a fan of canned ravioli, Donnie had
found it to be massively satisfying on the road. He had a collection of foods,
occasionally slipping in an extra can or two during rationing whenever the
group came across places that weren’t completely ransacked. The congealed red
sauce made him remember his father’s meager cooking. I can’t stay with you like this. The memory panged in his mind. He
saw that brilliant, running red sauce in her mouth. He considered throwing the
can away, but the thought of wasting his meal made his stomach moan.
By the time Donnie had finished his
meal it had started to rain outside of the station. Thick black globs of filth
burst from the clouds in erratic pulses, hitting the ground with a loud splat,
like someone dropping frogs off of an overpass. He was used to the nightly
storms now, and he was glad to be under the canopy, sheltered away from those
cloudy pugilists. Lilah had was already bundled up from head to toe in her
blanket. Matt was tasked with first watch tonight, and Donnie was second. The
twins had already fallen asleep, as had Jules. Frank and Goldy were intertwined
together. Lou seemed to be gone. “Most likely to piss in the bushes.” thought
Donnie, “Or to rub one out quietly in the bushes. Must be stressful having to
boss everyone around all the time.” Donnie smiled at his own little vulgarity
and glanced at Lilah, hoping that by some miracle she’d acknowledge his mediocre
private joke with a smile. She remained wrapped up, hidden from the world.
By the time Donnie fell asleep, the
rain had slowed and Lou had returned to his bedroll. The fire had died down a little
and all seemed as well as it possibly could be. Donnie slept fitfully, as he
normally did. As everyone normally did. He relived the day of the end nearly
every night and he was sure the others did too. He dreamt that he was sitting
in the suite he shared with some other kid, staring out of their window at
pulses of green-white light coming from a distant black cloud. He remembered
the power going out, and seeing students wandering outside and talking to each
other marveling at the distance aurora. He remembered that his roommate left
too. Donnie stayed in, too lazy to move from his window perch. He remembered
those peculiar pulses of light growing closer and he remembered the metallic
twanging noise that accompanied them. He
remembered the shockwaves, cracking, then smashing windows and snapping trees. And
he remembered the final impact, a loud bang followed by the ringing blackness
of him losing consciousness.
Donnie woke with a start, with the
ringing of his dream still loud in his ears. While still groggy from his weak
attempt a sleep, Goldy screamed the need to survive violently jerked everyone fully awake. Goldy was screaming at a collapsed pool of blood and body that lay
crippled near the door of the gas station’s convenience store and was trying to
scrabble to her feet, but kept getting caught in her bedroll. Her beaten-gold
hair was mussed from sleep and filthy from travel, her blue eyes were red and
watery and the pale porcelain skin of her neck had turned a feverish red from
her screams. She stumbled, struggling with her bedroll. It was the cruelest
slapstick comedy Donnie had ever seen. Lou was the quickest, firing a round of
his pet rifle towards the doorway of the store. Goldy had finally broken free
from her divine comedy and clawed her way towards the body, wheezing, looking
more like a flogged beast than the Golden Hanna Barret that Donnie had seen
giggling gently the night before.
Donnie rubbed the sleep from his eyes
and watched a crowd gather around Frank. Lou was strafing in a amusingly
militant way towards the store with rifle in hand. Goldy had finally reached
Frank’s corpse and pressed her face to it, screaming into its mangled chest.
Arya and Ryia pulled her away after a feeble struggle and showered her with
kind words and consolation. They had done for others who had lost friends and
lovers before and it wasn’t surprising that they had to do it again. The twins
had always been the most gentle of the group, which was good, since they seemed
to have little use otherwise.
While Hanna shuddered forcefully and
retched up whatever she ate the last night, Lilah took her time getting out of
bed and gazed solemnly at the sunrise, watching thick grey clouds turn a meaty
color against the sun and blinked sleepily. Donnie knew how she felt. He didn’t
think much of the whole ordeal either. He still had his own life, and there
were others left too. Lilah was still alive, for instance. Matt stirred from
what looked like a comfortable sleep with a look of panicked confusion, having
forgotten to pass on watch duty, an oversight that cost the group another
member. “He should have woken me up.” Donnie thought, and with a calm,
poisonous voice said, “If you hadn’t fallen asleep, and had just gotten me to
take your place, Frank would be fine.” Matt didn’t hear him over the commotion
and Lou disappeared into the store. Jules took it upon himself to drag the body
behind the station, just to get it out of sight. The body moved easily. Frank
had always been skinny, but traveling with the limited resources that they had
had caused him to grow more gaunt. They were all gaunt and skinny now. Weak,
tired, and weary of death.
The girls, sans Lilah, who was
wandering around the station, slowly making her way towards the spot where Frank’s
corpse was taken, were clustered together mumbling reassuringly while Jules sat
near Donnie. “Lou said there’s some guy in there with a double barrel.” He
whispered, “He thinks that there was a guy in there all night, waiting. I bet
Lou’s gonna kill him.” “He probably will.” said Donnie, noticing that Lou
closed the store’s door.
It had felt like hours since Lou went
into the convenience store under the canopy. The group was down a member and
Donnie was hoping that they would leave before Frank’s body started to smell.
Jules muttered sardonically, “Gold Hanna and Dead Frank. What’s next, Fat Jules
and Sexy Donnie?” Donnie couldn’t help, but snicker. Goldy was a shivering
mess now, and she no longer shone like gold as she had before (despite all the
filth of traveling). She was more pink instead of white now, and her hair
seemed to have gone dull. She had finally stopped crying and instead opted to
sniffle meekly and stare at the ground. When Lou emerged he carried a red can
of gasoline and a grimace. “What’s the buzz, Lou?” Jules asked, as Lou
approached the part of the station where he and Donnie were sitting. “Nothing
much. There was some sick looking guy sitting there. He said he was there for a
week, and judging by the smell, I’d say he was telling the truth. He only had
two rounds and that shotgun, so there wasn’t even any more of a threat.”
“That’s great, but why did he just
shoot to kill? He could have gotten more out of it all if he just stuck a gun
in Frank’s face and demanded some stuff.”
“He said that there were some angry
folk with guns who were harassing him a few nights ago. He said he was afraid
that they came back.”
Donnie interjected, “He took us for
raiders then?” Lou glanced at Donnie and said, calm as ever, “I suppose he did,
though I can’t say I blame him. He said there should be some nearby. He said
they came demanding gas for a car. He gave them enough to get them a good few
miles out, but promised they would be far enough to not be a problem. Whatever
else he said was, in my opinion, unreliable.”
“Gee, I wonder how he could of
thought we were raiders. All we do is wander from place to place taking stuff
and killing sick old people who live in the places we go.” Said Jules with
harshness on his breath.
“I never said he was old.” said Lou.
“And I said that I can’t blame him for thinking we were raiders.”
“I’m guessing you offed him then.”
Jules said. Unblinking, Lou replied, “He won’t be camping near doors anymore.”
Donnie and Jules sat quietly as Lou
went off to explain what had happened to the rest of them. The morning was
turning into a cloudy and chilly one. It had been early autumn when the end
came and the threat of the cold loomed over the group since the day they set
out. It was Lou who suggested they travel south to try to avoid freezing to
death. Donnie remembered when they first grouped together. They scavenged the
shattered remains of their campus to look for warm blankets and tough bags, at
the command of Lou, who, for whatever reason, had a rifle already. The group
was larger then and if Donnie remembers correctly, Lilah wasn’t a part of it.
She just kind of stuck to the group one day and no one seemed to question it.
Donnie and Jules got up and Donnie started to
pack up his bedroll as Jules went off to do the same. Upon stuffing the roll
into his bag he took survey of what was going on around him. Time shifted, now
going quickly and Donnie fell into a routine of sorts. He packed up his bed and
found a quiet looking spot to take a piss. He then made a circle around “camp”
to inspect what the others were up to. Lou was rummaging through the pack that Goldy and Frank shared to get rid of anything that might not be of use while
Goldy was half comatose, slumped onto her knees, Jules was kicking a rock
around. Lilah seemed to have disappeared, though she had a tendency to wander
off when the group wasn’t moving and reappear when they started up again.
The twins sat together near Lou,
waiting for him to finish his baggage dissection and Matt sat against his
bedroll cradling his legs. Matt didn’t have his own bag until Marie died. He
took hers, Donnie remembered. Lilah didn’t have one still; she seemed content
on carrying her bedroll on a piece of rope. Donnie wasn’t sure whose bag she
took food from.
Eventually, they had gotten their
stuff together and they departed the station, following the road south, as they
had been for weeks, Lou in the front, Donnie in the back. He didn’t think much
of Frank’s death. To him, it was just another mouth they wouldn’t have to feed
anymore. He wondered how Goldy would fare now. He watched Lilah walk her
swaying walk. It struck him how clean she looked compared to the rest of them.
Donnie tried to run his hand through his own hair, but gave up when his fingers
caught in the tangles. They walked the day away, kicking up a trail of
brownish-gray dust and not speaking much, unlike how they had when the group
was fresh and large. As the evening approached, the sky began to turn dark and angry
and the clouds gathered in thick droves and conspired to rain. Lou resolved
that the group should keep marching, saying that it wasn’t yet night.
They walked through the rain for what
felt like eternity. Again, time had shifted, now moving far too slowly for anyone’s
liking. Donnie didn’t understand why Lou was so insistent of moving through it.
Everyone was huddled and miserable in the wet, except Lilah, who seemed to
almost step in between the raindrops.
It finally began to fall too dark to
see ahead and Lou called an end to the walking. Everyone stiffly set up their
beds and got ready for a rough night without cover. Donnie was up first on
watch, and Matt was relieved from his duty for this night. Donnie found watch
to be torturous. Time dragged on and on for him. The pounding rain gave him a
headache and the occasional flashes of lightening hurt his eyes. The sky roiled
in agony and bled its thick black blood. He wished he could slip into sleep,
but it would not come to him. His head snapped up when he heard a loud roar. It
was familiar, but not one he had heard in a long time. Bright lights ripped
through the rain and squealing tires tore off of the road and into the hard,
wet earth that the group had been resting on. Donnie heard yells coming from
the massive Jeep that came to a stop a few yards away from the group. Donnie
didn’t understand how someone had found them in the rain, but all the same, he
jumped to his feet and bashed his knife against Lou’s metal pot. The camp,
stirring from the engine sounds, now jolted to life, but they were too slow.
The raiders spilled out of their car and began firing on their little group. As
far as raiders went, some were well armed and ruthless and others were tired
wanderers with one gun and a whole lot of psychological trauma. The stammering
Jeep engine sounded like serpentine hissing through the rain. There were too
many of them and they were too well armed. Donnie knew he had to run if he
wanted a chance to stay alive. He decided to cut his losses with the group and
ran.
Dawn came subtly, peeking out against
the thick clouds. The rain had slowed, and was now a fine grey mist. He, Lilah,
and Jules were the only ones left. Donnie stirred groggily from his
unconsciousness to look about himself. He remembered passing out after
sprinting away from camp. Somehow Jules was with him. And Lilah was too. He
wondered what happened to the rest of the camp. He remembered the raiders
descending on them. As he ran he saw one of them tearing at Ryia’s clothes in a
flash of lightening while she kicked and screamed. There was lots of screaming.
He remembered gunshots, but he couldn’t tell which were Lou’s doing and which
weren’t. Somehow in his panic he remembered to snag his bag. He thought himself
lucky. Looking over Jules and Lilah, he thought himself three times as lucky.
Jules stirred from his sleep next
only to let of a groan. Donnie looked over to him and saw a pool of congealing,
drying blood underneath him. A bullet
must have hit him when he was running. Donnie looked over him, saying nothing,
until Jules looked up at Donnie with red-rimmed, brown eyes framed by a ghostly
pale face. Perhaps Donnie wasn’t quite as lucky as he thought.
“Hey.” He muttered.
“Hi.” Donnie replied. “What’s wrong?”
“I think I’m bleeding.” He grinned, “I
didn’t notice until we stopped. I didn’t have the energy to worry about it
after that.”
Jules wheezed painfully and gritted
his pink stained teeth. He tried to stand, but was unable. Donnie wondered if
he would have to leave him behind, remembering that that wouldn’t have been the
first time someone was left behind. It would be easier for him just to go with
Lilah. With her, at least, the whole group wouldn’t be lost. He’d still have
one human life around him. Just as the thought went through his mind, Jules
spoke as though he had heard what Donnie was thinking.
“Wait man, wait. I can get up, trust
me.” Jules assured Donnie. He tried to get up again, straining and panting.
Jules flexed, pushed, and ground his teeth together so hard that it was a
surprise to Donnie that they didn’t shatter, but Jules didn’t have the strength
left in him to lift his own legs. The wind sighed and a brief clarity came over
the foggy world, just to be swallowed again when the wind stopped. “I just need
to rest a little. I’m tired is all.” Jules muttered under his breath. Donnie
couldn’t help but apologize to Jules. Jules had been one of the more enjoyable
of the group. A potential friend, perhaps, but even with him gone, Donnie could
still be with Lilah. “Don’t fucking apologize to me.” Jules barked. He tried to
keep speaking, but his harsh tone crumbled into pitiful coughs and sobs. Donnie
did his best to ignore them as he slung his bag over his shoulder. He looked
around and wondered where he was. He couldn’t see far ahead of himself thanks
to the soupy pool of gray fog that surrounded him. Jules continued to squirm on
the ground grunting, whimpering and mumbling about not being left behind.
Though Donnie got along well enough with Jules, he didn’t need him. Donnie had
Lilah to keep him some company, and if they were the only two left, she
couldn’t possibly ignore him.
Lilah had gotten up and packed up her
own bedroll, swinging it over her back. Donnie stared at the back of her head,
confused, “Did you get comfortable after that whole chase?” He asked. Still,
now that he was the last person in the world, she ignored him. “Come on, answer
me! How did you manage to have the energy to actually bed down after we ran?”
He stepped towards her, angry and grabbed her by the arm. Her skin was clammy
and covered by a fine, wet sheen of mist. She still would not face him and said
not a word. “Well? Well?” His yelling did nothing to move her. Jules stirred
again and asked who Donnie was talking to. “I’m talking to her! But she doesn’t
answer me!” Jules’ response was an abrasive wheeze. “Whatever.” Donnie growled
as he released her arm and stormed off to continue his increasingly meaningless
hike for survival.
He had thought that he would be fine.
He had his food and his life. The mist was almost pleasant in contrast to the
rain he had suffered the night before. His steady walk slowed as a fear grew
inside of him. Had he failed his comrades? They weren’t his friends, he knew,
but he was part of something. He didn’t feel right there, but there was still a
“there.” A place for him to be where he wouldn’t have to die alone. The others
at least died together. And even if they didn’t they had Arya and Ryia to
whisper sweetness into their ears. He shouldn’t have rushed off without Lilah.
She may be strange, but maybe she was just trying to prove some kind of point
to him.
He turned around to walk back to
where he had woken up, but the fog was too thick. It began to feel dirty
against his skin. He started forward, hoping that his 180 degree turn would lead him
back to Lilah, but he could just end up walking in circles for all he knew.
Donnie felt a flush of panic creep up his neck. He didn’t know if he could
survive by himself. Lou always led them. Donnie had Matt as a punching bag and Jules
was there to joke around with. “No.” Donnie whispered to himself. “They are not
important. They never needed me. I never needed them.” After all, Donnie was
still alive, and the others were probably dead by now.
Donnie turned around at the sound of the
whistling wind. The fog cleared for a moment, and in that moment he spotted
Lilah through the fog. She had been following him and when he turned to see
her, he spotted her face. She had familiar eyes and long lost lips, stained a
deep red. Almost brown. He surprised himself when he called out to her, but as
soon as the wind died, she was swallowed by the fog yet again. Donnie called
out to her, he told her to come to his voice. He begged her to stop hiding from
him. He begged her not to be stupid. He begged her not to do it. He begged her
not to leave him alone with a group of strangers.
Donnie felt as if he was drunk. He
knew her. He always knew her. It was all too familiar. He couldn’t understand
why he hadn’t seen it earlier. She stepped towards him, cutting through the opaque mist and he gazed at her with
strained eyes, knowing he failed. He would be alone, whether he survived alone,
or died alone, he would still be completely and totally isolated. She walked to
him and through him. He whispered, whether to her or to himself, he no longer
knew, “I can’t stay with you like this.”
He was an idiot. She just walked into our
group and wasn’t questioned. She never left me. Donnie wanted to apologize. He
wanted to explain he didn’t mean to leave her behind. That he was just angry.
But something in Donnie knew that she wouldn’t hear. That she couldn’t hear. Nausea
overcame him and he fell onto its knees. The wind sighed a clearing again and
Lilah was gone. Donnie was alone.
