LUCIFER
(bellowing)
Boy!
Boy where are you?
(from offstage)
ANTICHRIST
Yes
Father?
LUCIFER
Get
in here boy! Don’t yell at me through the house!
(enters from left of stage)
ANTICHRIST
I
wasn’t the one yelling through the house! What’s going on?
LUCIFER
Where
are my sneakers?
ANTICHRIST
What?
LUCIFER
(darkly)
You
heard me boy. I can’t find them and I need them to steal the souls of the
living.
ANTICHRIST
Are
they magic or something?
LUCIFER
No,
they’re just my favorite pair of sneakers and I absolutely cannot be seen
without theꟷ, of course they’re magic! They have my Mojo! I can’t be a charismatic
evil being without my Mojo! Otherwise I’m just an old creep with a fondness for
weirdos. Haven’t I told you about these?
ANTICHRIST
Oh
come on dad. You’re not that old.
LUCIFER
Not
that old… If you only knew the half of it.
(continues searching, grunting and growling
all the while. ANTICHRIST watches with passive amusement)
ANTICHRIST
You
sure you didn’t leave them in another room? This place is like a hall of
mirrors, after all.
LUCIFER
No!
I don’t forget things in wrong places. I’ve had the same razor since Caesar
died and I can tell you where it is right now. If these shoes are in this
house, they will be in this room. Everything is carefully put in place. It’s
all part of a master plan, but apparently someone thinks it’s funny to steal my
shoes! And right before a big election.
ANTICHRIST
Why
is it like this? Aren’t we the only ones who live here? Why the complexity?
LUCIFER
I’ve
explained this to you before and I doubt explaining it again will help your
understanding. Now help me search! Don’t just stand there like a fool!
(ANTICHRIST begins an unenthusiastic search,
slowly and dramatically scouring the room. LUCIFER watches the pantomime with
increasing testiness)
LUCIFER
I
don’t appreciate mockery. I need those shoes. You need me to get them too. If
my power is gone, yours will diminish until you crumble to dust.
ANTICHRIST
What?
LUCIFER
Oh
yes. Your power derives entirely from me. If my power is gone, then all my
creations will slowly fall apart. You are my son, my seed, my greatest and most
intimate creation. Your death will be the most tumultuous when my collapse
comes.
ANTICHRIST
You’re
kidding. Seriously?
LUCIFER
(quickly)
As
serious as death itself boy. You see, I am part of a delicate, ancient
ecosystem. Balance must be kept between good and evil, chaos and order, and I
am half of the equation. You understand that if the wolves vanish, prey will
swarm existence and choke it out. My power is the glue that holds together
cosmos’, the sinew of the crossbow of time, the lock and the key to paradise,
and without it, all crumbles to dust. Even the Almighty above cannot fathom the
darkness that will consume reality should I lose my power and be unable to
counter his increasing banality and kindness. Now do you understand boy? Do you
understand why I need to find my sneakers?
ANTICHRIST
(shocked)
God
damn.
(beat. LUCIFER’s search effort winds down and
his son watches him slowing down)
You
okay pops?
(LUCIFER sits down, puts his head in his
hands)
LUCIFER
They
were satin black with velvet finish 2k17 Kyrie Shooters.
ANTICHRIST
And
they held the power to hold together reality in them.
LUCIFER
That’s
why I’m so upset!
ANTICHRIST
I’m
upset too! Why was that power in a pair of shoes? Why did you take them off?
Why do you ever take them off? What is wrong with you? Can you call God?
LUCIFER
Nope.
Not doing that.
ANTICHRIST
Someone?
Whose got more authority than you and isn’t God that can help us?
LUCIFER
Pfft.
No one.
ANTICHRIST
(ignoring the comment)
Or
would even be willing to help us. Jesus is a generous guy! If we can find him I
bet he’ll be willing to help out, right?
LUCIFER
Look.
We’re not telling God. And we’re not calling Jesus. We haven’t been on speaking
terms since the Harrowing, remember?
ANTICHRIST
Why
should I remember?
LUCIFER
I’ve
told you a hundred times.
ANTICHRIST
Then
I definitely wouldn’t remember.
LUCIFER
Foolish
boy. Always a foolish boy.
(beat. ANTICHRIST watches a blank faced
LUCIFER sitting and he grows increasingly suspicious)
ANTICHRIST
Hey
wait a second here…
LUCIFER
What
did you say? I’m sort of in and out over here.
ANTICHRIST
This
doesn’t make any sense.
LUCIFER
What
doesn’t?
ANTICHRIST
This
whole situation. You’re messing with me, aren’t you. You made this whole thing
up to screw with me.
LUCIFER
(Indignant)
Absolutely
not! I would not joke about my Shooters!
ANTICHRIST
(yelling)
Then
how come this is happening? How hasn’t it happened before? You’re bullshitting
me dad and I don’t like it!
LUCIFER
You
watch your tongue! Don’t you think I don’t realize how screwed I am? Why are
you so thick? Why have you always been so thick?
ANTICHRIST
I’m
not thick, this is just still sort of insane to me! It wasn’t long ago that I
even got here! No one ever thought I was this stupid when I was alive.
LUCIFER
Look…
I’m sorry boy. I’m under a lot of stress… Come sit next to me my son
(pats spot next to him. ANTICHRIST sits)
LUCIFER
I
know this is going to be a hard… transition for us andꟷ
(LUCIFER chokes up and begins softly weeping
into his hands, he talks through sobs)
ꟷWe’re…
Going…
ANTICHRIST
It’s
okay dad, it’s okay.
(Puts his arm around his father, allowing him
to cry for a few seconds.)
LUCIFER
Maybe
I should tell God. That way we can prepare something, maybe.
ANTICHRIST
You
know what? I don’t think we need to tell God.
LUCIFER
You
don’t? Why not?
ANTICHRIST
Remember
when Ba’al bet you that you couldn’t get that Chapman guy to kill his favorite
musician and you got him to do it just
by getting a book or two into the dude’s hands?
LUCIFER
(sniffling)
I
do remember that.
ANTICHRIST
Do
you really think you needed a pair of shoes to pull that one off?
LUCIFER
Aw,
but that was nothing.
ANTICHRIST
Are
you kidding? It’s badass! Classic you. Subtle, lethal, your experience and
creativity really shows.
LUCIFER
Now
you’re just trying to make me feel better.
ANTICHRIST
Is
it working?
LUCIFER
A
little, keep going.
ANTICHRIST
You
don’t need a silly pair of sneakers to kick ass and take souls!
LUCIFER
Hey
now, slow down. I need those shoes.
ANTICHRIST
No!
Now think about it! Do you really need those shoes? You’re the damned Devil!
LUCIFER
(hesitant)
Even
devils have their limits…
ANTICHRIST
Not
this one!
LUCIFER
Oh
hush son
ANTICHRIST
No!
Think of it this way, God is all about faith right? And He made You, so your
power is derived from his, right? So all you have to do is have faith, just
like God!
LUCIFER
Faith?
ANTICHRIST
Yes!
LUCIFER
Faith
in what?
ANTICHRIST
Hah!
Now who’s thick? Yourself!
LUCIFER
Faith
in myself? Faith in myself.
ANTICHRIST
If
you just believe in yourself, you can do anything. You are the Morning Star. I
don’t know why you wouldn’t believe in yourself. I believe in you.
LUCIFER
You
do?
ANTICHRIST
I
believe. I believe in the Devil.
(LUCIFER sniffles and wipes his eyes)
LUCIFER
Thank
you so much.
ANTICHRIST
Now
the more important thing is if you believe.
LUCIFER
You
know what? I do. I do believe. I don’t need those pesky shoes! They’re way too
expensive to wear every day anyway!
ANTICHRIST
That’s
the spirit! Now we have to see if it worked!
LUCIFER
If
what worked?
ANTICHRIST
The
faith! You have to do something! Something you could only do in the shoes
before!
LUCIFER
Oh!
Oh I know! Here, I’ll do one of my favorite tricks. And it’ll be easy to tell
if it works
(LUCIFER dramatically raises his hand as if to
snap his fingers, brief drum roll, loud snap, the lighting on stage changes to
a notably red hue. LUCIFER jumps up from his seated position)
LUCIFER
Ah
hah! My boy! You were right! I never needed those shoes! Oh the wasted eons! I
must go now! I must unleash this newfound confidence upon time!
(LUCIFER laughs confidently, snaps his fingers
again, changing the light to green, laughs again, and runs off stage left)
ANTICHRIST
It’s
cute to see the old so full of energy.
(ANTICHRIST stands up, looks around the
trashed room and stares hard at something behind where he was sitting. He
kneels and picks up a pair of black shoes. Looks at audience, cut to black.)
END OF PLAY
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